Sunday, April 29, 2012

Impressions of New York

I went to the ASJA Writers Conference this weekend in New York City. I've been to NYC a half dozen times as an adult and I always love it. The energy, the lights, the accessibility, the people watching, the ability to booze at will without having to think about driving.

This time around, I learned a few things:
* When the cab drops you off at your destination, make sure that you are actually at your destination (especially BEFORE you give him a tip!). After exiting a cab on Saturday night, my friends and I were a bit disheartened (er, pissed) to discover that we were still over five blocks away from the hotel. I don't know if was our company, the time of day, or my story about suspicious cab drivers who might kidnap you, but this guy wanted us out.

* It's okay to order a platter of food if you're doing it at an Indian restaurant. At Denny's, a platter of food will earn you an extra five pounds on your rumpus, but at an Indian restaurant, it gets you lots of vegetable options. Tasty ones.

* Hotel guests in NYC apparently don't need as much shampoo as the rest of the human race. Nor do their bodies require body lotion. I lube'd up one appendage per day. (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. Arms and legs! I'm a woman, not a 12-year old boy!)

* I still can't understand how a talented street artist can capture your absolute likeness with pencil for $25, while some other guy hires assistants to paint dots on canvas and he's celebrated all over the world. I'm not sure what's worse -- that this dichotomy exists, or that I haven't taken advantage of it. (I'm extremely good at dots. Caricatures, not so much.)

In all, I love New York for all its glamour and crazy. But I'm glad to be back in Utah enjoying the sunshine, towering trees in the yard and the sweet smell of lavender and freshly-cut grass. And my humungous bottles of shampoo.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Doing Hair

Every morning in our house, we do hair. A cosmic and genetic formulation imbued my children with ringlets that, left untamed, resemble the rough street urchin cast in Annie. Spray, mousse, brush, then pin, bow, braid, or pony. At two, the youngest understands this ritual, and stands quietly between my knees. The only time of the day that this occurs. Otherwise, she is whirling and unsuccessfully hopping; although she exclaims “Hop!” only one foot leaves the ground. Her other foot firmly prevents her from flying. She yells “Wook!” and points at the passing garbage truck. Yells “Wohm!” and thrusts her cupped palm toward me, featuring an overly-squeezed, dead worm. As I work a wide-toothed comb through my eldest’s thick layers of curls, I realize that my back is no longer bent, and that it’s becoming more difficult to part her hair because, as I sit behind her, I can no longer see the top of her head. As she gazes at some interminable cartoon, I comb my tears into her hair, in hopes that it will stop her from growing. But they will just make her stronger. And her hair will grow longer, more lovely, and when I’m finished, she will face me, see my tears, and ask whether I have a boo-boo. Yes, my dove, but you make it all better.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Gap Casting Call AKA Personal Ads for Kids

Here's the link:

I'm not sure if it'll work forever, but right now it points to the Gap's current casting call for the new face of the company. How outstandingly exciting!! I was reading through the boys' postings and couldn't help but feel like they're a bunch of personal ads.

"Mason is always smiling! Everyone loves him! He can't fail at anything!"

"Zack is playful and athletic and always happy! The smiles are never ending!"

"Boston is the best human being ever! He has never experienced pain or disappointment, so he should win this competition today! And he smiles all day, even in his sleep!"

(I'm paraphrasing here)

I think there's something wrong with me, because I'm THIS close to adding this photo of some random internet kid pic and this description:

Max is a sullen, arrogant little boy who hates to lose at board games. He refuses to take pictures, hides when it's time for school, and last week he pushed a toddler face down into a snow-covered sandbox. While he lacks all charm and his personality leaves much to be desired, his soulless eyes will inspire hoards of people to purchase GAP clothes.

Your thoughts? Am I trending toward evil now?